Making Peace With the Past
5/6/10: Many times the things that lead people to counseling have to do with past events that they "just can't seem to let go of". For some reason, we hold expectations that we should just be able to "let the past be the past and move on", but find tremendous difficulty doing that, and often struggle with this "unfinished business".
I view these ghosts of the past as things we have unsuccessfully processed or have been unable to place into the right context. This leaves us continuing to feel angry, sad, resentful, and reactive, and unable to move forward in our lives. I refer to the process of moving beyond this as "making peace with the past."
This can be done in a variety of ways, and the following model is just one example, but is a way that I have found helpful personally and with many clients.
1. Unfinished Business
The first step of doing this is making an assessment of what type of business is left unfinished. A way to make this assessment is to look in detail at what has occurred, and identify the specific people or events that are still emotionally charged.
The next part is examining what the legacy of the events has been on your life by linking the events to current issues. For example, if you were bullied as a young person, the legacy of this might still be that you are afraid to be yourself in social situations. You may also find that there has not been any long term legacy. Once this is placed together you now have a more complete and up-to-date version of the story, and know what business is left unfinished.
2. Making a Plan
This second step involves determining what action needs to be taken to address the legacy of the events and the events or people themselves. I often promote dealing with the legacy (current issues) of the events through counseling. We have fewer options for the past, but working on acceptance of what happened and forgiveness (you can read about my model of forgiveness here), as well gathering new information and understanding about the people or events, can be very powerful.
3. Making Peace
This final step is reorganizing the story and taking any final action. There can be great value in telling or writing the complete story with full information about the people involved, documenting the legacy, and then the steps you have taken through this process to finish the business and move on. I also promote doing some kind of personal ceremony or ritual to mark these changes.
So the key ingredients here are clearly identifying the events and people, understanding the legacy, learning new ways of being through counseling to address the present issues, gathering new information and perspective related to the past, dealing with acceptance and forgiveness, and reorganizing the story to be more complete and placed in the proper context. And then finally, you are truly back to living in the present.
I view these ghosts of the past as things we have unsuccessfully processed or have been unable to place into the right context. This leaves us continuing to feel angry, sad, resentful, and reactive, and unable to move forward in our lives. I refer to the process of moving beyond this as "making peace with the past."
This can be done in a variety of ways, and the following model is just one example, but is a way that I have found helpful personally and with many clients.
1. Unfinished Business
The first step of doing this is making an assessment of what type of business is left unfinished. A way to make this assessment is to look in detail at what has occurred, and identify the specific people or events that are still emotionally charged.
The next part is examining what the legacy of the events has been on your life by linking the events to current issues. For example, if you were bullied as a young person, the legacy of this might still be that you are afraid to be yourself in social situations. You may also find that there has not been any long term legacy. Once this is placed together you now have a more complete and up-to-date version of the story, and know what business is left unfinished.
2. Making a Plan
This second step involves determining what action needs to be taken to address the legacy of the events and the events or people themselves. I often promote dealing with the legacy (current issues) of the events through counseling. We have fewer options for the past, but working on acceptance of what happened and forgiveness (you can read about my model of forgiveness here), as well gathering new information and understanding about the people or events, can be very powerful.
3. Making Peace
This final step is reorganizing the story and taking any final action. There can be great value in telling or writing the complete story with full information about the people involved, documenting the legacy, and then the steps you have taken through this process to finish the business and move on. I also promote doing some kind of personal ceremony or ritual to mark these changes.
So the key ingredients here are clearly identifying the events and people, understanding the legacy, learning new ways of being through counseling to address the present issues, gathering new information and perspective related to the past, dealing with acceptance and forgiveness, and reorganizing the story to be more complete and placed in the proper context. And then finally, you are truly back to living in the present.
