How to Forgive
12/09/09: "Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the other person."
It is a human instinct to hold onto anger, grow resentful, and plot revenge when we have been wronged in some way. These feelings are normal responses to pain, betrayal, or injustice. It is easy to forgive when there is a true recognition by the offender, a heartfelt apology, and some form of retribution equal to the act. Unfortunately this rarely happens for the largest offenses done against us.
When we don't have this we can easily get entangled in a swamp of dark feelings, only moving out when enough time has elapsed to eclipse the events, unless they are big enough that even this does not work. This can keep us locked in the past and can even take a toll on our physical health.
Working on real forgiveness, not just lip-service, is long and treacherous work, especially when some part of us feels like the offender just doesn't deserve it. It can seem like a paradox, like we are letting someone get away with their horrific acts, but it really only binds us to the pain (and to them) indefinitely, and gives them power they do not deserve to have over us.
Forgiveness does not mean you will forget what happened, that you are letting someone off the hook, that you accept the nature of the events, that the other person is justified, or that you have to put yourself in a position to be hurt by the person again. It is the opposite of all that.
So what does it take? I believe the key elements of forgiveness of all kinds are:
1) You have to be ready to move on
2) Accepting the weakness and fear, meanness and defensiveness, unconscious actions or inaction, inadvertent mistakes and oversight, or deliberate malice and destruction that people have caused
3) Recognizing that person's humanity and tragic flaws, and understanding their situation and history
4) Empathizing with them by connecting to your own flaws, weakness, deliberate malice, and mistakes
5) An action of forgiveness that can either be between you and the other person (a gesture, discussion, or letter), or on your own (some symbolic action to mark it)
When done whole-heartedly, this represents some of the best of what all human beings are capable of. And if none of this works, isn't possible, or you aren't there yet, just remember that living well is the best revenge.
It is a human instinct to hold onto anger, grow resentful, and plot revenge when we have been wronged in some way. These feelings are normal responses to pain, betrayal, or injustice. It is easy to forgive when there is a true recognition by the offender, a heartfelt apology, and some form of retribution equal to the act. Unfortunately this rarely happens for the largest offenses done against us.
When we don't have this we can easily get entangled in a swamp of dark feelings, only moving out when enough time has elapsed to eclipse the events, unless they are big enough that even this does not work. This can keep us locked in the past and can even take a toll on our physical health.
Working on real forgiveness, not just lip-service, is long and treacherous work, especially when some part of us feels like the offender just doesn't deserve it. It can seem like a paradox, like we are letting someone get away with their horrific acts, but it really only binds us to the pain (and to them) indefinitely, and gives them power they do not deserve to have over us.
Forgiveness does not mean you will forget what happened, that you are letting someone off the hook, that you accept the nature of the events, that the other person is justified, or that you have to put yourself in a position to be hurt by the person again. It is the opposite of all that.
So what does it take? I believe the key elements of forgiveness of all kinds are:
1) You have to be ready to move on
2) Accepting the weakness and fear, meanness and defensiveness, unconscious actions or inaction, inadvertent mistakes and oversight, or deliberate malice and destruction that people have caused
3) Recognizing that person's humanity and tragic flaws, and understanding their situation and history
4) Empathizing with them by connecting to your own flaws, weakness, deliberate malice, and mistakes
5) An action of forgiveness that can either be between you and the other person (a gesture, discussion, or letter), or on your own (some symbolic action to mark it)
When done whole-heartedly, this represents some of the best of what all human beings are capable of. And if none of this works, isn't possible, or you aren't there yet, just remember that living well is the best revenge.
